Weird Things I Hope Other People Do at the Gym as Well

1. Competing against the athlete next to you like a chihuahua trying to win a fight against a doberman. 

2. Taking the act of ripping out a sanitary sheet from the box like a personal fitness test. And failing miserably in front of everyone (who are "obviously" watching and judging you).

3. Taking someone normal getting on the treadmill next to you (rather than all the others currently available) as an invasion of privacy, and then turning up your headphones as loud as possible in case they try to talk. 

4. Taking someone who is extremely muscled grabbing the treadmill next to you as a personal insult. Am I being used like a before-and-after pic where I'm the "before" and they're the "after"?

5. Letting the huge rolls of sweat drip down your face as a show of defiance against the group of hot athletes strolling into the gym. I will not grab my face towel for you (just a few seconds after when you've already gone past)!

6. Getting stressed out like an overworked dish sponge when someone walks too close by you when you're on the elliptical. And working out the argument in your head that's bound to happen if you end up hitting them with one of the levers.

7. Running while texting and wondering if someone's ever going to call you out on it. And working out that argument in your head as well. Yes, I am currently texting my doctor who just told me I have five months left to live. How dare you make assumptions about me!

8. Accidentally staring too long at the female members of staff. How the hell do they get their legs looking that trim?

9. Wondering if everyone else can hear your music and repeatedly taking out your headphones to check. I'm definitely not cool enough to be listening to rap music. Plus I feel like that's more of a strength-training kind of thing, not meant for the scrawny, red-faced chick panting on the treadmill.

10. Leaving the gym way too early, so you pretend to be short on time as an excuse. Don't forget to huff as you repeatedly check your watch and look mildly rattled as you race out the gym doors.

5:30AM Starts

5:30 – alarm sounds. Ignore. Obviously. Stamp out with finger and enjoy a few more seconds of peaceful —

5:31 – second alarm goes off. Sleep time's up. Remember you have yogurt in the fridge (it’s your sole motivator). Bound out of bed. Wash face. Let yourself still be asleep in your mind. Are you in Perth or Bunbury right now? The world feels disorientated.

5:40 – gobble down breaky as quickly as possible. The quicker you eat, the earlier you’ll arrive at gym. This way you won’t have to say hi to anyone.

6:00 – watch Gossip Girl while getting ready. Wonder why Serena even pretends to be relevant anymore. Wonder what Blair’s skincare routine looks like.

Image Credit: Katie Meili Messersmith

6:40 – rev the car over to gym. Feel half-ashamed, half-smug you’re the only one there. Gym people apparently still have social lives at night. Write for ten minutes on phone while waiting for pre-workout to kick in.

6:50 – reluctantly leave car after deliberately taking too long to write. Glare at treadmill as you set your stuff down on an empty shelf. Feel relieved no one walked to the gym either. You have the entire place to yourself.

7:05 – die a little bit inside when people start trickling in through the doors. Feel unreasonably annoyed that out of the eight treadmills available, someone sets up next to yours. Hope they enjoy your red-faced, sweaty struggles on the treadmill. Remind self they're probably focussed on their own workout.

7:20 –  collapse on treadmill into a puddle of your sweat. Choke on own breath. Blame the person next to you. Wash face in bathroom and continue focus on legs. Curiously eye other gym equipment and wonder if you'll ever be game enough to try working out chicken arms.

8:00 –  head home. Down banana protein shake like it's the elixir of life (it is). 

8:30 – mentally prepare self for day ahead. Go forth.